A young woman wrote to Bishop Renato Cardoso with a painful situation. After three years together, her boyfriend confessed that he is addicted to pornography. He then ended the relationship, afraid that he might never be able to change. She still loves him and wants to stay by his side and help him through it. What should she do?
His honesty was a good sign
The Bishop’s first observation is that it was good this came out now, before marriage. Many people only discover a partner’s addiction after the wedding, when the damage reaches a home, a family and sometimes children. Confessing it was a hard but honest step, and it gave her the chance to make a decision with her eyes open.
An addiction always comes first
“The addiction will always come first in the life of the addict,” the Bishop explains. Whatever someone is addicted to sits at the centre of their life, ahead of their partner, their plans and even their own wellbeing. That is why an addiction needs to be overcome before a serious commitment such as marriage, not after it.
Marrying in the hope that the problem will sort itself out later is a trap. Marriage does not cure an addiction. More often, it simply brings another person into the suffering.
You can help, but only if he wants help
Supporting him does not mean continuing the relationship. She can encourage him to seek help, pray for him and point him in the right direction. But, as the Bishop puts it, “you can only help him if he wants help.” The decision to change has to be his.
The right path for him is to seek spiritual guidance from a pastor, to be prayed for and to fight this battle with God’s strength, not his own willpower alone.
If you decide to wait
If she chooses to wait for him, she should not resume the relationship until there are real, lasting signs that he has overcome the addiction. A few days or weeks without pornography is not freedom. True change is consistent and visible over time.
A word for every couple
Whether you are single, dating, engaged or married, a relationship built on God needs honesty, freedom and a clear conscience. If you or someone you love is struggling with an addiction of any kind, you do not have to face it alone. Visit The Universal Church in Saint Lucia and speak with one of our pastors. There is a way out.
Adapted from an article by Sabrina Marques, published in Portuguese on Universal.org, featuring advice from Bishop Renato Cardoso.
